Wednesday, August 1, 2018

UTARDIA!

The sad but true stories of life in the heart of Utah Suburbia.  Perhaps it's the same elsewhere, perhaps it's worse elsewhere, but here, in a state that used to be friendly and neighborly, it's par for the course.  One day I'll try to illustrate these, but for the time I'm content to simply post the bare bones of recurrent things I witness in the County of Davis:




UTARDIA!
Comic Strip Dialogue
By M. A. Packer



New Neighbors #1
Woman 1: “remind me to make something for the new neighbors.”
Woman 2: “oh yeah, what’s their names… what are you going to make for them?”
Woman 1: “not sure, what do we know about them?”
Woman 2: “they’re really fat.”
Woman 1: “that’s right, what do fat people like?”
Woman 2: “sugar makes people fat.”
Woman 1: “awesome, I could bake them some sugar cookies!”
Woman 2: “fat people are disgusting, I don’t know how you can live next door to them.”

New Neighbors #2
Woman 1: “How are things going with the new neighbors?”
Woman 2: “OMG, they’re so creepy, they put in this weird sand thing in their yard and they, like, rake it every day.  So retarded.”
Woman 1: “Isn’t that a Japanese Zen garden?”
Woman 2: “Yeah, and I’m like, Hello!  This is America, we don’t put tacky things in our yards!”

New Neighbors #3
Man 1 Waving to new neighbor: “Oh, there’s the new guy on the street.  Heard he’s renting his mother-in-law apartment out to a young married couple.”
Man 2: “Isn’t that in violation of the restrictive covenants?”
Man 1: “No, but he doesn’t know that.  If the tenants are Hispanic, they’ll probably turn his apartment into a drug lab.”
Man 2: “My brother and cousin work for the city.  They can help out if we need it: last thing we want is someone breaking the law on our street.”

*           *           *

Singles’ Function #1
Girl 1: “OMG, like that guy is, like, really tall, that’s so creepy!”
Girl 2: “He’s probably a stalker!”
(Optional: really short, really black, really Mexican, really fat, really red-haired, really poor, really nerdy, really average, etc.)

Singles’ Function #2
Boy: “Hi, I think you’re really cute!  Would you like to go out some time?”
Girl 1: “Oh wow, like, totally!”
Boy: “Cool, what day works for you?”
Girl 1: “Um, I’m not sure, maybe play it by ear?”
Boy: “Okay, talk to you later!”
Girl 1 to Girl 2: “OMG, did you see that guy?  He was practically putting his hands all over me, and he, like works at Walmart, so you know he’s poor!”
Girl 2: “He’s probably a stalker, you should call the police.”

Singles’ Function #3
Girl 1: “Holy cow!  It’s Chad!  He’s so sexy!”
Girl 2: “I thought he was in jail for beating his last girlfriend?”
Girl 1: “His family’s loaded, he’s perfect!”

Singles’ Function #4
Girl 1: “You are, like, the coolest person I’ve ever met!  We have so much in common, I would totally love to go out with you!”
Boy: “Thanks, I like you too!”
Girl 1: “So…what do you do for a living?”
Boy: “I’m a para-educator for special needs kids.”
Girl 1: “Oh…that’s really… I think people who do that kind of work are really special.”
Girl 1 to Girl 2: “He’s like, a teacher who works with retards.”
Girl 2: “Oh jeez, he probably doesn’t make, like, ANY money!  You don’t need to put yourself in danger with a guy like that.”

*           *           *

Dick Measuring #1
Business Man talking on phone: “yeah, and did you see how small his truck was?  I don’t think the company needs a new employee with tiny wheels.”

Dick Measuring #2
Man 1: “I’m totally participating in the Spartan and the Iron man runs next week.”
Man 2: “Isn’t your wife going into surgery next week?”
Man 1: “Dude, it’s all in her head, brah!

Dick Measuring #3
Man 1: “…so she’s all mad and said she’s moving in with her folks until I apologize.”
Man 2: “What did you say to her?”
Man 1: “I was totally just informing her about my concerns for her health.  She gained, like, ten pounds after the baby was born, but she’s only lost 1 since she started that diet.  She’s way irrational right now, probably PMSing, and I told her she’d feel better after she dropped the extra weight, but she just cried and took off with the new Jag.”
Man 2: “Chicks are way nuts.”

Dick Measuring #4
Businessman talking on phone: “…so we really liked your credentials and your letters of recommendation were outstanding, but the problem is that my brother’s kids just got out of high school and need a job while they go to college, so I’ve given them the position.  But, if you’re still interested in a position in our company, I think we have an opening on the custodial staff.”

*           *           *

They’re Mockumentary #1
Woman speaking to other woman: “I find it so charming how you can just throw on whatever is laying around your closet.”

They’re Mockumentary #2
Man 1: “So, do you play?”
Man 2: “Play what?”
Man 1: “Like, an instrument?  Like a piano?”
Man 2: “No, I’m not very musically minded.”
Man 1: “That’s okay, not everyone can play the piano, but I’m sure you’re good at something worthwhile.”
Man 2: “???”

They’re Mockumentary #3
Man 1 “Is that YOUR truck?”
Man 2: “Yes.”
Man 1 “Seriously?”
Man 2: “Is there a problem?”
Man 1: “Oh no, like, totally, it’s cool.  It’s just… that’s a small truck.  Do you like women?”
Man 2: “I’m married with three kids.”
Man 1 talking to other men with enormous trucks: “He’s totally queer, you know, but he, like, pretends to have a girlfriend or something.”

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