Call Started: 12:14 PM
GM: The game isn’t for another hour.
Adam: It starts in 46 minutes, I know, I just wanted to know why you called me at four this morning?
GM: I didn’t call you at four this morning.
Adam: Someone in this group did.
Adam: At four in the morning.
GM: I’m here.
Adam: So why did you call me at four this morning?
GM: I didn’t call you at four this morning. It was probably one of the other players.
Adam: My parents were pissed.
Adam: I’ll talk to you in 38 minutes.
GM: Okay, see you then.
Call Started: 12:24 PM
Erin: Is everyone ready?
GM: The game isn’t starting for another half hour.
Erin: Oh, okay.
Erin: Hey Lefevre.
Erin: Have you thought about that little thing I requested?
GM: What thing?
Erin: About bringing in some skills from Dragon Age?
GM: This isn’t Dragon Age, this is AD&D.
Erin: I know that, but I think it would be really cool. I just think it would be way awesome if my thief could use that rift explosion ability.
GM: Thieves can’t use magic like that.
Erin: I know, but hear me out…
Erin: You have a rift in your campaign, right?
GM: No, I don’t.
Erin: But you have a boundary that, like, separates the physical world from the spirit world.
Erin: And that’s kind of like the rift.
Erin: So, you see… we could kind of justify bringing that sort of thing into the game.
GM: AD&D already has spells like that, but you wanted to use a thief.
Erin: I know, but I could ask Adam to write me some scrolls, since he’s a wizard and wizards can write scrolls.
Erin: But he can already write scrolls.
GM: Not until 7th level, and your PC won’t be able to use scrolls until 10th level.
Erin: Okay, so you’ll let me use that rift ability then, right?
GM: If you find an equivalent spell in the system and cast it from a scroll, I suppose.
Erin: Okay, just wanted to make sure.
Call Started: 12:46
Mike: Hey, Lefevere.
Mike: Are we still on for today?
Josh: Yes, we are.
GM: I think so.
Mike: So I was reading some of the splat books and it says I can take on henchmen.
Josh: Only when you’re higher leveled.
GM: When you’re high enough leveled, yes.
Mike: I know, but I was looking at the splat book for bards and under one of the abilities I can substitute my henchmen for one squire. I was wondering how you handle leveling up for squires.
Josh: You don’t get henchmen until later.
Mike: I know, but I wanted to know what the GM says about leveling them up when I get them.
GM: They will gain their own share of the experience points.
Josh: I don’t want to split the XP five ways.
Mike: He won’t get any of your XP.
Josh: The total XP we earn is divided amongst all of the participating players. I don’t want my XP going to an NPC.
Mike: He’s not an NPC, he’s a henchman.
Mike: I mean, he’s a squire.
GM: You don’t need to worry about that now since you won’t have a henchman for a while anyway.
Call Started: 01:07
Adam: You’re late.
GM: I know, I was distracted.
Erin: Are we starting now?
GM: Yes, but talk amongst yourselves for a moment, I’m still preparing a couple of things.
Josh: You’re not ready yet?
Erin: Hey, Lefevre?
GM: I’ve been distracted…for some reason.
Erin: Hey, Lefevre?
Mike: Oh jeez.
Erin: Do you remember that thing we talked about from last time?
GM: You mean from a half hour ago?
Erin: Right. When do you think we can do that?
GM: Do what?
Erin: I was wondering if Mike could start writing those special scrolls.
Adam: What the hell are you talking about?
Mike: I’m a bard, Adam’s playing a mage.
GM: You can do that when he’s high enough level.
Adam: Do what? I’m not doing anything for her.
GM: She wants your mage to write scrolls for her to cast.
Josh: Thieves can’t cast spells.
Erin: They can cast them from scrolls and wands at 10th level.
Adam: They can’t use wands, they can only cast from scrolls, and they have a 25% chance to fail.
Erin: We can fudge that, right, Lefevre?
GM: Let’s just stick by the books as much as we can to avoid confusion.
Mike: Can I establish who my squire is?
GM: You don’t have him yet.
Mike: I know, but, like, I want to have him fleshed out before we start.
Josh: Introduce him later! Let’s start!
David: Hey, I’m really sorry, but I have to leave. I’m taking my grandma to Woolworths and then we’re going out to eat at Golden Corral.
GM: Sounds fun, sorry you have to go.
Josh: Is your character even ready?”
David: Yeah, but I have to go. See you all later.
Mike: Can I have his loot?
Josh: For the love of @#$%, let’s just start!
Erin: Holy crap, calm down.
GM: Okay, everyone here?
Erin: So how much starting gold do we have?
Erin: What page is that on?
Adam: 2d6 times ten for thieves.
Erin: Hey, Lefevre? Since I’m a thief, could I start out with more gold?
Erin: Because I’m a thief, right? So technically I could have stolen more gold before the start of the adventure.
Adam: Oh jeez.
GM: Let’s just say that whatever starting gold you have is what you managed to steal up to this point.
Erin: In addition to whatever gold I start with.
Erin: Lefevere, would you say there are noblemen nearby?
GM: Noblemen? I haven’t even told you where you are yet.
Erin: I know, but couldn’t there be some rich people around for me to rob?
Mike: I’m going to perform a song.
Mike: I want to try out one of my bardic abilities.
Adam: Where are we now?
GM: Okay, I’ll set up the scene for you: the party awakens in darkness…
Erin: Hey, Lefevre?
Adam: Oh lord.
Erin: Are there any houses nearby?
Josh: He just told us we awaken in darkness. I’m assuming we don’t know where we are yet.
Erin: I know, but, like, when we open our eyes, couldn’t we find some houses and stuff nearby?
Mike: Let’s rob people.
GM: What’s your character’s alignment?
Mike: Lawful good.
GM: If you rob, you’ll have to change your alignment.
Mike: Never mind.
GM: Continuing on, you all awaken in darkness. All of you are strewn across what feels to be a hard, cold, stone floor.
Mike: I draw my sword.
Mike: Are there enemies about?
GM: You don’t hear anything.
Mike: Shouldn’t I roll a detect noise check?
GM: If you want.
Mike: I succeed by 3.
GM: You can only hear water dripping from the ceiling and you hear a chill wind blowing through empty cavities of stone.
Adam: Are we dead?
Adam: My character stands. Am I able to stand?
GM: Yes, and as you stand your vision slowly returns. As far as you can tell, the four of you appear to be in some sort of cave.
Erin: Aren’t there six of us?
Erin: Roll20 says there are six players in the group.
GM: Yes, there are five players and one GM, and David had to leave.
Josh: Is there an exit?
GM: You see a passage bending off to the side.
Josh: I leave the chamber.
Erin: Wait a minute! Lefevere?
Erin: Are we in the Underdark?
GM: There is no Underdark, you’re in my home-brew campaign.
Erin: But wouldn’t there be Drow down here?
GM: In this setting, the Drow live on the surface.
Erin: Okay, but, like, couldn’t there be any Drow down here?
Adam: Do you WANT there to be Drow down here? We’re only level one!
Erin: I know, but if we could find Drow we could trade with them for some magical gear.
Adam: With what? As far as we know, our weapons were taken away from us.
GM: You still have your weapons.
Josh: I’m leaving.
Mike: I’ll follow you and play a song.
GM: Are the rest of you following?
Adam: I am.
Erin: I’m coming.
GM: As you pass through a winding passageway you come around a sharp bend and arrive in a large room. Milling about the room you see a dozen kobolds armed with spears and daggers. Everybody roll for surprise.
GM: Adam, a Kobold approaches you with his spear and jabs it into you for 3 points of damage.
Adam: I am dead.
Adam: I only rolled 2 for my hit points.
GM: Oh, I said it was okay for all of you to have your maximum Hit Die for level one.
Adam: Okay, then I have 1 HP left.
GM: Excellent. Erin, another Kobold comes toward you, running low and thrusting with its dagger.
Erin: Can I shoot him with my bow?
GM: On your turn. The Kobold misses anyway. Josh, it’s your turn.
Josh: Cool, I unsheathe my longsword and slash at the nearest kobold.
Adam: You have a penalty to hit.
Josh: What do you mean?
Adam: You’re using a long weapon in a confined area.
Josh: We entered a large room! There’s plenty of space to swing it!
GM: You’re technically still in the doorway to this chamber, but you can thrust with it without penalty.
Josh: Then I thrust at it.
GM: You hit.
Josh: Sweet! I do 10 points of damage!
Adam: Longswords only do 1d8 points of damage and your strength score is 15.
Josh: I know, I rolled an 8 and I gain +2 damage for my proficiency.
Adam: The GM didn’t allow specialization.
GM: Yes I did, I wrote it in the description for the campaign.
Adam: My bad.
Erin: Hey, Lefevere.
GM: (sighs) Yes?
Erin: If he can take specialization in longswords, could I take proficiency with spells?
GM: There is no proficiency with spells. You have to use a magic-user. You could have multi-classed into a thief/mage.
Erin: I don’t want to do that. But couldn’t we say, for this campaign, that I could specialize in spells?
Adam: Anyway, is it my turn?
Game continues for three hours…
GM: …and 120 gold pieces each for slaying the bugbear chieftain.
Josh: Did that XP include our 10% bonus?
GM: No, go ahead and add that.
Josh: Anything else on the corpses?
Mike: I piss on the bugbear’s corpse.
Erin: Wow! Just, wow! That’s nasty!
Mike: What kind of clothes was it wearing?
Mike: Is there anything I can wear?
GM: There’s a red cloak draped at its back, but you just pissed on it. Why would you want to wear it?
Mike: Would it grant me any bonuses to my bardic skills?
Adam: If anything it should give you a penalty, because, A, it belonged to a bugbear and B, you pissed on it.
GM: (chuckles) Sure, -1 to your charisma if you choose to wear it.
Mike: Forget about it then.
Erin: Hey, Lefevere?
Erin: Since we killed these guys and found our way back to the city, can we go to a town with a mage guild?
GM: Yes, if you can find one.
Erin: Cool, I can find someone to teach me that rift spell.
Adam: You can’t learn spells unless you’re a spell-caster.
Erin: Well, he could write me those scrolls.
GM: I suppose, but it’ll cost you and you won’t be able to use them until 10th level.
Erin: What if I bought him parchment?
Josh: Could we just leave here first?
GM: Sure, you all make it back to the surface and find the town of Northwend just over a hill.
Erin: Northwend? You should call it Helgen, like in Skyrim.
GM: This isn’t Skyrim.
Erin: I know, but if you want to come up with some good names for towns and stuff you should play Skyrim and Dragon Age. And when are you going to develop the lore for us?
GM: I’m not really trying to be clever here, I’m just using a generic world for you guys to adventure in.
Erin: Yeah, I know, but, like, you should really get into some lore, like where the elves came from and stuff.
Adam: Who gives a @#$% where the elves came from? They’re just around to make things look pretty.
Mike: Thank you.
Mike: My bard is an elf.
Josh: Oh jeez.
Adam: Elves can’t be bards in this edition.
Erin: And Lefevere?
Erin: You totally need to introduce a dragon to us.
Josh: We’re not high enough leveled to fight a dragon!
Mike: For a second I thought you were going to say we weren’t “high” enough to fight a dragon.
Adam: It’s getting late over here, can we call it good for tonight? I’ve got an early shift in the morning.
Josh: Where do you work?
Adam: I need to wake up early.
GM: Sure, we’ll say you guys enter the town and sleep at the Inn.
Erin: Wait, Lefevere?
Adam: So anyways, I need to go.
GM: See you next time.
Erin: Is there a mage’s tower in town?
Erin: Can I talk to the guys there about writing me some rift scrolls?
GM: (sighing) maybe next session.
4 Sessions Later
Call Started: 12:52
GM: If you’re all ready to go, we can start. Has anyone heard from David?
Erin: He’s at work and he said he has to pick his sister up at the airport when he’s through, then his family is going out to eat at Red Lobster.
Josh: I’m just buying some gear.
Adam: Who called my house at four in the morning?
Mike: I perform in the middle of town. Are there any women I can have sex with?
GM: There are a few.
Mike: Any of them look like they’ll put out?
GM: A couple, I guess. Are you successful with your roll?
GM: After staving off a few sour notes, the women look on you with revulsion and scurry off.
Mike: I follow them.
Josh: you’re going to get sued.
Adam: It’s medieval times, they didn’t sue people back then.
Erin: Actually they did. During the middle ages there were many professions that have carried into modern days, like lawyers, doctors and law enforcement. In fact, all of those things existed during the reign of the Roman Empire and we still use the same terminology today.
Josh: I feel like I owe you money.
Mike: If they’re going to sue me I’m not going to follow them.
Josh: So, can we speak to one of the guilds about a quest?
GM: Which guild do you want to see?
Adam: Let’s look for a Mage’s Guild and ask about finding some magical crap.
Erin: And writing us some spell scrolls.
Adam: You can’t cast them until 10th level.
GM: After wandering the streets you see a tall, stately building made from stone. The banners of the Everton Mage Society flutter in the wind.
Josh: I enter and look for the guy in charge.
GM: You see an elderly man in fine robes speaking to a group of novices.
Mike: I am going to stab him in the back.
GM: May I ask why?
Mike: I want his staff.
Adam: Lefevre didn’t mention him having a staff, and only I could use it if he did.
Mike: Never Mind, I play a song on my lute.
Erin: Wait, wait! Lefevre?
Josh: I am so sick of you.
Erin: Would now be a good time to implement that thing we were talking about earlier?
GM: What thing?
Erin: You know, what we talked about last time.
GM: You mean when you called me today at 1 in the morning?
Erin: Right, about giving me an Elvish Cat?
Adam: Did you call me at 4 in the morning that one time?
GM: Yeah, like I told you this morning, it wouldn’t be fair to the rest of the party if I gave you an Elvish Cat.
Mike: Since she’s getting an elvish cat can I have my squire now?
Josh: I don’t want to share XP with NPCs!
GM: I’m not giving anyone anything right now.
Adam: What does the old dude say?”
GM: What old dude? You mean the head of the Mage’s Guild?
GM: He does have a quest for you.
Josh: How much gold is he going to pay us?
Erin: I should get all of it.
Erin: Because everyone else has way more magic items than I have.
Adam: You have a +2 dagger! All I have is a potion of earth to stone!
Josh: I have a couple +1 arrows.
Mike: What’s the quest, Lefevere?
GM: The old mage tells you that one of his footmen was supposed to deliver some reagents to another mage in a neighboring town, but nobody has heard from him since.
Erin: Lefevere, this would totally be a good time to introduce the elven cat! It could take us to wherever this apprentice is and help us sneak into the fort!
Adam: What fort?
Erin: The bandit fort where he’s being kept!
GM: I never said anything about a bandit fort. The old mage tells you where the town is he was sent to, though.
Josh: Let’s go after I buy a few things.
Game continues for three hours…
Josh: Where were we going again?
GM: To the town of Ebron.
Erin: Wait a minute, that sounds like Eberron, are there warforged there?
Adam: This isn’t Eberron! How long will it take us to get there?
GM: About three days.
Erin: Cool, you can introduce my Elven cat on the way.
Josh: He isn’t giving you a @#$%ing Elven cat!
Erin: But everyone would benefit from it!
Josh: I don’t want a cat in the party, I’d kick the damn thing!
Erin: That is so rude!
Josh: I hate cats!
Erin: Well, maybe cats hate you!
Josh: Good, then they’ll stay the hell away from me!
Erin: So are you going to introduce it to the party now?
GM: I can’t give you everything you ask for right when you ask for it.
Erin: You gave the bard the stuff he wanted!
Mike: All I asked was if the merchants in town sold artisans tools!
Adam: Hey guys, I hate to do this but I’ve got to jet for now. We have a test in class tomorrow.
Josh: Where do you attend school?
GM: Okay, we’ll pick up next time. Good night.
Call Started: 6:52
Erin: Hey Lefevre.
GM: (yawns) Hey.
Erin: I really think the party would benefit from having that elvish cat.
GM: It’s 4am over here.
Erin: I know, but I think it would REALLY benefit the party if you introduced the elvish cat next time.
GM: Like I said, I can’t give every player whatever they want, whenever they ask for it.
Erin: I know, but seriously! You gave everyone way more magic items than me!
GM: No I didn’t, it only seems like that because there are more of them. Everyone got a magic item, in fact, yours is more powerful than theirs.
Erin: Well, if I can’t have an elvish cat, can I have 10,000 experience points?
Erin: Because then I’ll be level five and my backstab will be x3 damage.
GM: You can’t just level up whenever you want, that defeats the fun of the game.
Erin: But I can’t stand leveling up, I just can’t!
GM: That’s how life is, you learn new things as you practice and experience new…
Erin: But I can’t level up. I hate it. When I play Skyrim I have to use a mod to max out my skills. Seriously, you NEED to play Skyrim. And Dragon Age…
Two hours pass
Erin: …and my mom says that Common Core is the worst. Seriously, she’s a psychiatrist at my school and it’s going to ruin the country. We’re going to be screwed.
GM: I’ve got to go, it’s really late over here.
Erin: Okay, so I can have my Elvish Cat next time?
GM: We’ll talk about that later.
Erin: Good night!
3 Sessions Later
Call Started: 1:00
GM: Everyone here?
Mike: Hold up, I’m talking to David on Facebook. He might actually join us tonight!
Josh: @#$%, we could have used him when we rescued that gay kid from the trolls last time.
Erin: He wasn’t gay.
Adam: That reminds me, those trolls were, like, 7HD creatures but you only gave us about 600xp each. They should have given us at least 700xp. And why did you send 7HD creatures after us when we were only about level 4 each?
GM: I reduced their HD so they were easier to fight.
GM: So last time we left off you guys were at the end of the labyrinth and were about to enter the dragon’s grotto.
Josh: Hell yes!
Erin: My elvish cat is going to use Tree on itself and cast spells.
GM: There aren’t any trees down here.
Erin: Wait a minute. Lefevere?
Erin: Would you say there’s moss or vines in the dragon’s cave?
Adam: It’s a grotto.
GM: I suppose there could be.
Erin: Then couldn’t the cat turn into a part of a vine?
GM: (sigh) I suppose it could.
Josh: Adam should cast haste on everyone.
Mike: You should cast protection against fire on us, and protection against evil.
Adam: Protection against evil is a cleric spell and we don’t know what color the dragon is, so I might waste spells if I cast them before we can ascertain more information about it.
Josh: Erin should send her cat in and have it spy on the dragon.
Erin: No! He’ll kill him!
Josh: Elvish cats have, a @#$%ing 99% chance of successfully sneaking, he should be okay.
Erin: No, I want him to hang out behind us.
Mike: I’ll go in, I have that cloak of non-detection!
GM: You guys sold it so you could buy your galley.
Erin: But Lefevre, couldn’t we say we sold the boat and bought the cloak back before we came here?
GM: Nope, and not just because you used the ship to get here.
Erin: But we could have hired someone to sail us out here.
GM: If you didn’t role-play it, it didn’t happen.
Erin: But wait! Lefevere?
Josh: Holy @#$%ing %$#@!
Erin: What about that Slaad we killed a while ago? Didn’t it have any magical items?
GM: (chuckling) sure, it had a Cuisinart.
Erin: Cool, can I have it? What does it do?
GM: Nothing, I was just joking.
Mike: I’ll perform a ballad and boost everyone’s stats.
Josh: I’ve got my longswords out.
Adam: I’ll cast haste on everyone.
Mike: That’s what I said to do earlier.
Josh: No you didn’t, I said that.
Erin: I enter the dragon’s grotto, can I cast a spell from my scrolls?
GM: You’re only 8th level, you can’t cast from scrolls yet.
Erin: But wait a minute. Lefevere?
Josh: Shut up!
Erin: Thieves are supposed to level up faster than other classes. So shouldn’t we say that I’m level 10 now?
Adam: You’re already higher level than all of us!
Josh: Stop asking stupid questions and let’s go!
Erin: Hold on! Lefevere?
Erin: Remember that thing we talked about earlier?
Erin: Yeah you do. Remember what I said before?
GM: I really don’t.
Erin: I’m just sick of leveling up. I mean, really, I’m sick of leveling up.
Josh: Too bad.
Adam: If you don’t like leveling up you shouldn’t play RPGs.
One hour passes
GM: …shoot, Josh takes 14 damage from the dragon’s fiery breath. Erin, it’s your turn.
Erin: Isn’t the dragon almost dead yet?
GM: Not quite, what are you doing on your turn?
Erin: Would you say there’s a bucket of water near that old well in the corner?
GM: I guess…
Erin: I’m going to move over to the well.
Josh: What are you doing?
Erin: It’s a surprise! That ends my turn.
GM: Okay. Mike, it’s your turn.
Mike: I pass.
GM: You pass?
Mike: I’m going to set myself up for a charge.
GM: You don’t have a pole-arm and the dragon’s not charging after you.
Mike: Oh, in that case I’ll shoot at it with my slingshot.
Adam: It’s a sling.
GM: Okay, roll for damage.
Mike: (rolls) Crap, I got, let’s see, 2 damage.
Josh: Is it my turn?”
GM: Hold on, the dragon’s up next. It is going to use its breath weapon on Mike, Josh and Adam, each of you roll a save vs. breath weapons.
Josh: Oh @#$%$.
GM: How many of you succeeded your save?
Josh: You’ve got to be @#$%ing kidding me!
Josh: You’ve got to be @#$%ing kidding me!
GM: Each of you takes 14 points of damage.
Adam: I’m down to 2 hit points.
Mike: I’m dead.
Josh: You are?
Mike: Yes. No wait, I still have 10 HP left.
GM: New initiative order.
GM: Looks like it’s Erin’s turn again.
Erin: Awesome, I’m going to charge at the dragon and douse him with the bucket of water!
Josh: Are you kidding?
Erin: Does the dragon die?
GM: The water is ineffective against it.
Erin: What the heck! It’s a fire breathing dragon, right? Water would hurt it!
Adam: Dragons don’t get hurt from water, that was dumb.
Josh: Why the hell didn’t you flank it and perform a back stab? You could have done, like, x3 damage!
Erin: Wait a minute! Lefevere?
Erin: Couldn’t we say it was holy water?
GM: One of you would have had to cast a cleric spell on it.
Adam: Create Holy Water, and I don’t think that would work on a dragon. Just undead and demons.
Josh: Seriously, I’m so sick of you.
Adam: We need a new rogue.
Erin: Well if you don’t want me here I should go!
GM: Oh dear.
Erin: Seriously, all of you suck! Except Lefevre!
Josh: Cool, let’s repost on roll20. Find someone who isn’t @#$%ing stupid.
Mike: Who’s turn is it? Is the dragon going to kill the rogue?
Adam: Maybe the games will go by more quickly now.
GM: All of you shut the hell up! If we split the party I’m going to cancel the campaign.
Josh: Only one character’s leaving, and she’s super annoying.
GM: I don’t care, this is Dungeons & Dragons. It’s supposed to be enjoyed by everyone, and I’m sick of everyone’s negative comments on Skype and everyone complaining about each other. If I remove her from the group I may as well cut the rest of you out as well and start over from scratch. I said from the start I was open for suggestions and if they make sense I’ll implement them, because I want this game fair and enjoyable for everyone. But it’s no fun for me to run the game if you all argue all the time. It sucks. Seriously, if you guys can’t get along, I’m closing this down.
Josh: Okay. Sorry.
Mike: Yeah, let’s keep playing. Who’s turn is it?
David: What’s up, my lovely bitches!?!
Adam: Cool, David’s here!
Erin: He can heal us!
GM: Much to the dragon’s dismay, a cleric suddenly arrives. Is your character sheet ready?”
David: Hell yes, I cast mass heal on the party! (rolls)
GM: Everyone receives 18 health back.
Josh: Sweet, is it my turn?
Josh: I attack with both swords! (rolls)
Adam: Don’t forget to add the bonuses from the bard’s song and my spell.
Josh: Both attacks hit, I deal (adds numbers) 36 points of damage!
GM: The dragon now appears bloodied. It’s Adam’s turn
Adam: I’m casting burning hands on it.
Thirty minutes later
GM: …each of you receives 1,220 experience points for slaying the dragon. Remember to add your class bonuses if any.
David: Awesome, I level up! I can’t wait to wreck stuff with my new spells!
Josh: This was @#$%ing rad. Can we take the dragon’s head and mount it on the front of our ship?
GM: Yes, but we can focus on that next time. It’s getting late on my end.
Erin: Cool, thanks for GMing for us.
Adam: Good session.
Mike: Can’t wait until next time.
David: Do I have to pay a tithe on my treasure?
Mike: I have to go to town and waste as much of my share as I can. Also I need to seduce Erin’s character.
Erin: No way! I kick him in the balls!
Josh: Just need a few more XP to level up. Adam, can you write those protection scrolls for us for next time?
Adam: Sure can.
GM: Well, I’ll talk to you all next week.
Erin: Okay, bye Lefevere.
Josh: See you next week.
Mike: See you all next game.