Saturday, December 19, 2015

If Michael Bay Directed Star Wars: the Force Awakens


I was skeptical of the last installment of the Star Wars saga, but after seeing it many months ago, I was very pleased, in spite of George Lucas' moaning and groaning.  Sometime after leaving the theatre, I spoke to one of my friends who, being in debt, wanted to sell me some of his movies.  He was more than eager to part with his copies of the Transformers blue rays, near to the point of simply giving them away.  As I thought about how he couldn't pay me to take those rancid things off his hands, I got to thinking: what if Michael Bay had given Star Wars the same treatment he gave to Transformers and Ninja Turtles?

Let's take a look, shall we?

Firstly, Star Wars would have been set in Manhattan, because every movie in the last five years has been filmed there.  Secondly, he would have brought Luke Skywalker in and recast him as an edgy, scrawny teenager, because everyone wants an underdog hero.  Not-Luke-Skywalker would find a light saber in a hole or a crater or some other aperture in the earth and it would summon the other Star Wars characters to him.  Why?  Because it's a convenient and cheap way to segway the title and introduce all the big characters all at once.  After all, most of the movie budget is going towards special effects.

Oh, I forgot to describe the light saber: first they would make snarky jokes about it, because everything we film today is cool, and everything in older movies is inherently lame, and the plot can't be sincere or else that would be lame.  And the light saber would look nothing like the ones we all grew up with and love.  It would look like a big, spikey, metallic mass with a handle, and the blade, rather than come out as a beam of light, would look like flaming, explosive machine gun fire, again, because lasers are lame, and the sound guys would replace the beloved light saber effects with noises that would sound essentially like an electric dump truck crashing into a nuclear bulldozer.  Oh yes, and the light saber would be big.  I mean, it would be huge, because, as with every Michael Bay film, we have to compensate for pretty much everything.

Now for the characters... that BB robot, the one that looks like a ball with R2 D2's head?  It would look like a big, knobby, futuristic off-road tire, because Michael Bay likes big trucks.  And the head wouldn't resemble R2 D2; it would have the grotesquely rendered, robotic face of a minority, because Michael Bay thinks minorities are funny.  And rather than talk or beep he would have it play rap music, like They See Me Rollin, or something else really on the nose.

There would be a Darth Vader villain, and he would be huge, probably in powered armor with infinity light sabers coming out of his hands.  Because in Michael Bay's world, a villain can't be taken seriously unless he's big and loud, like a bull in a china shop.  Don't believe me?  Watch the Ninja Turtle movie; poor Shredder will never quite be the same.

Speaking of Ninja Turtles, the plot to the movie would be a rip-off of another movie, like, say, The Amazing Spiderman.  He would probably have a plot where Not-Luke-Skywalker would smoke drugs and listen to loud music in his old school sports car while driving away from Storm Troopers, who would look like a bunch of giant, white armor-wearing cyber gorillas with machine gun arms.  Then, Darth Vader would come bungling into view, vowing to destroy the universe by detonating his Sith Bomb on the top of a tall building, like, say, the Chrysler Building, or better yet, above Time Square so we can see hundreds of brightly lit X-box and Coke ads.  They would probably have Darth Vader's science monster sidekick give a quasi-scientific explanation on how the Sith Bomb will turn human kind into more Storm Troopers that will steal Earth's environment or give guns to the Middle East, or some other catastrophe related to modern day issues, because modern day issues are bad and need to be an underlining factor in every movie so we are given the illusion that Michael Bay cares about politics.

Next, Han Solo and Princess Leah would show up in the Millennium Falcon, which would be totally underplayed compared to all the crazy robot garbage jets that the cyber gorilla storm troopers are riding on, and Chewbacca and that BB droid would end up together and do a bunch of silly antics, fighting Storm Troopers, while Han Solo and Leah fly Not-Luke-Skywalker into the middle of the new, Mega Death Star, which would essentially look like a big, spikey ball with a hole in it.

We would then see a bunch of drawn out, insanely hyper and explosive clips of the protagonists flying through all kinds of space garbage (Michael Bay loves putting garbage everywhere in his movies) while being chased by pointy space spider ships that shoot machine guns and rockets (because, again, Michael Bay thinks lasers are lame and machine guns would totally work in space).  After another long segment of footage of the good guys flying through a long maze, they would land right in Darth Vader's throne room and Not-Luke-Skywalker would have to duel him with the light saber.  At this point, the actor playing Not-Luke-Skywalker would completely vanish from the film and be replaced entirely with CG as he jumps all over the place like Mega Man X on speed, until he defeats Darth Vader.  After a massive explosion, again, full of garbage and gasoline-fueled fire, they would fly home and Not-Luke-Skywalker would earn the love of some hot female that has been tooling along the whole time, offering nothing but one-dimensional chick dialogue, because Michael Bay thinks women should just look pretty and not actually contribute anything to the plot beyond simply being a McGuffin for the main character's ego to transcend from being a wimp into a hard core wimp with dirt and burns all over his clothes.

In regards to the sound track, would he bring in John Williams?  No, he would subject us to Linkin Park and gangster rap.  Why?  Because he would believe this to add edginess to the film to draw in the viewers, even though it would just sound like a lot of loud, fast-paced noise. 

What about C3 PO and R2 D2?  The classic pair would both be redefined as huge mechas with big rocket chainsaw canons.  Whch reminds me; Han Solo and Princess Lea would be entirely CG since it would have been quite impossible for Michael Bay to convince Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher to be in one of his movies.

The sequels?  There would be three sequels to this film, no matter how much we begged him to stop.  Want to know what the titles would have been?

Star Wars: Call of the Saber

Star Wars 2: Far and Away

Star Wars: Return to the Galaxy (no, I didn't forget to add the '3', they would have chosen to leave it out)

Star Wars: Exogenesis (which would have removed the entire cast, except for CG Harrison Ford, and would start with him on a farm, way out in the country with his hot teenage daughter, and the pair of them would be repairing a piece of the Mega Death Star, which would come to life and attack them).


So there you have it: not a pretty picture, but the truth is often too terrible to comprehend.  If any of this upsets you as much as it upsets me, feel free to join me and watch cat videos on Youtube.

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